Highway Rest Stops, From Worst to Best

by Jasper Gilley

If you are a regular reader of this site and if you enjoy the sort of posts that generally populate it (those about technology, history, philosophy, etc.), your distress after reading the last post must have turned to outright alarm when you saw the title of this one. Here is a blog that has sunk, in three posts, from examining the lofty philosophical pronouncements of Nietzsche to speculating about petro-finance to dissecting the merits of highway rest stops. Worse yet, this blog is now proceeding to dissect highway rest stops in that most potentially sleazy of internet formats – the listicle.* As this blog’s author, however, I can assure you of two things: that a balanced intellectual diet (or, as the case may be, a balanced non-intellectual diet) does one’s mental digestive systems good, and that more weighty posts are en route. For now, however, you’ll just have to be content plumbing the depths of that most austere of topics: highway rest stops.

I have spent a non-negligible fraction of my childhood in the car on extensive road trips. As anyone who has been on a road trip in the United States can tell you, one of the best parts of a road trip can be the momentary respite from driving that occurs when one stops at a rest stop to eat, use the bathroom, and generally rejuvenate. Unfortunately, I was required to use the qualifying term can be in the previous sentence because not all rest stops are created equal. Hence, a comprehensive ranking of rest stops by quality is required. Unfortunately, I haven’t been to every US state, so the following rankings will be by no means comprehensive (though I may update them at a later date as I traverse more states.) Nonetheless, I feel it is my duty as a road traveler to inform my comrades-in-transit of the providential possibilities and potential perils of rest stops to the best of my ability. Thus, the following rankings, arranged from worst to best.

#12 – Montana

Montana rest stops can be abysmal, and potentially fatal, for a number of reasons. Most importantly, the restrooms give users the impression that they have been incarcerated in a correctional facility. For their part, Montana rest-stop-restroom-users would probably be better off using the restrooms in a correctional facility. The ones in the Montana rest stops are gloomy, dark, have only one temperature of sink-water (cold but not so cold as to be refreshing), and they may lack soap. To complete the correctional-facility ambiance, the good people at the Montana Department of Transportation included a low-quality speaker blasting weather forecasts, which may as well be blasting harsh instructions to maximum-security prisoners.

I add that Montana rest stops may be fatal because one just north of Billings on Interstate 94 has a sign that reads “Rattlesnakes have been observed. Stay on the pavement.” Finally, Montana rest stops lack recycling depositories, which forced me to put plastic bottles in the trash and feel like a sub-par human being.

In the classic Cold War film The Hunt for Red October, the eponymous Soviet submarine’s second-in-command dies while lamenting “I would like to have seen Montana.” In actuality, you don’t want to see Montana – its rest stops, at least.

#11 – Wisconsin

After a stint in the clink (also known as Montana’s rest stops), Wisconsin’s seem palatial. That being said, by any other measure, Wisconsin’s rest stops are lame. After entering a building that architecturally could not have been built anytime other than the 1960s, one is greeted by nothing – there really isn’t anything in these rest stops other than restrooms and maps. It’s not that Wisconsin rest stops are bad, it’s just that they’re not good, with one exceptional instance of active badness. The XCELERATOR Hand Dryers Of The Future™ in the Wisconsin rest stop restrooms spontaneously cease operation when they feel like it, regardless of the potential presence of moisture on one’s hands, which is aggravating (though it may be the same with other dryers of the same model – I don’t know.) It is a plus, though, that the Wisconsin rest stops have, in stark contrast to the Montana ones, about eight different types of recycling bins. Rest stoppers may be forced to pause and deliberate which bin their bottle goes in, but at least they won’t be forced to doom the human race to climate change.

#10 – Wyoming

Wyoming rest stops aren’t spiffy and may run out of soap, but they were saved from a lower ranking on this list since they’re almost exclusively powered by the sun, apparently, and have cool diagrams inside explaining how. The Wyoming DoT was probably incentivized to do this because it was cheaper than running electricity out to the middle of nowhere (which is basically everywhere in Wyoming, the least-populous state.)

#9 – Indiana

There isn’t much to say about Indiana rest stops except that they are what would occur if Wisconsin rest stops were invaded by a swarm of low-quality eating establishments that one only finds in rural areas (such as Red Burrito.)

#8 – Iowa

If you took a Wyoming rest stop, made it not powered by the sun, cleaned it up a bit, and stuck it in the middle of a cornfield, you’d have an Iowan rest stop. Since Iowa is about as interesting a state as Indiana, no more ink will be spilled about its rest stops here.

#7 – Italy

Surprisingly, Italy isn’t a state of the US. However, I happen to know what Italian rest stops are like in some detail since my high school orchestra did a tour of Italy a few years ago. Unsurprisingly, Italian rest stops are interesting. They are as commercialized as any American rest stops, but not exceptionally clean, much like southern Italy (northern Italy, however, is pristine, oddly enough.) Amusingly for those of us well acquainted with American rest stops, some Italian rest stops sell condoms, which you’d probably be rather unlikely to find in an American rest stop.

#6 – Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania rest stops are an intensely mixed bag. On Interstate 80, the rest stops are much like the passing scenery of western Pennsylvania – boring, but at least clean. Interstates 76 and 476, on the other hand, have superb rest stops, for a variety of reasons. Most importantly, there is only one rest stop for both directions of travel. This means that on Interstate 476, for instance, northbound drivers must navigate a veritable thicket of ramps to obtain the delicious nectars which emanate from the rest stop’s resident Jamba Juice (the residency of which is the secondary reason for these rest stops’ pre-eminence.)

#5 – Massachusetts

Massachusetts’ rest stops, which aren’t particularly special or interesting, would not warrant such an elevated status in this listicle if it weren’t for the singularly distinguishing fact that they are small, essentially containing room for no more than a single convenience shop. I think they also have electric vehicle charging, but I’m not sure. On the one instance of my stopping at a Massachusetts rest stop, I purchased a package of peanuts. That is all I know or remember about Massachusetts rest stops.

#4 – Illinois

Much like the rest stops of Pennsylvania, those of Illinois are a mixed bag. In most of the state, the rest stops are comparable to those of Iowa, with the additional bonus that they hand out assorted stickers, which I collect (this is an entirely normal thing for people to do, by the way.) Heading south on Interstate 57 near Champaign, I obtained a sticker that reads, “TOURISM WORKS FOR AMERICA.” It now resides on my piano music notebook.

The greater Chicago area, however, is home to rest stops that are – not over-grandiosely – known as oases. These delightful havens (or, I should say, Oases) are essentially commercialized, indoor bridges that stretch over the highway and contain pedestrian entrances on both sides. Once inside, lucky travelers can eat Panda Express from a perch directly overlooking the passing traffic. If all of Illinois had oases, the state would most definitely command the top ranking in this listicle. Unfortunately, there exist only eight oases for the entire state, so it remains relegated to the #4 spot.

#3 – North Dakota

No, your eyes do not deceive you. I have indeed granted the #3 spot on this ranking of highway rest stops to North Dakota. It, however, is a spot well-deserved. Consider the fact that North Dakota’s rest stops are cleaned and the grass of their lawns mowed every two hours by an individual dedicated to each rest stop. Additionally, the good people of North Dakota pay for free Wifi at their rest stops. And all this from a state with a population 6% of Illinois. In general, North Dakota is a vastly undervalued state, and you should make a point of visiting it at some point in your life.

#2 – New York

As has been frequently seen to be the case with many of this list’s rankings, New York’s rest stops well reflect the state itself. On the southern part of Interstate 87, just north of New York City, the rest stops are densely populated, cosmopolitan, and capitalistic, just like the city itself. Most importantly, these rest stops are wholly unique among rest stops in that they contain two levels of parking and are themselves two-storied. Upstate, the rest stops become smaller, but retain the good-natured bucolic nature that permeates that part of the state. In an additional bonus, the rest stop on Interstate 90 south of Buffalo, at least, contains electric vehicle charging.

#1 – Ohio

But the bustling rest stops of New York still remain inferior to those of Ohio. In every way, Ohio rest stops are optimal for the passing traveler. They are frequent (every 50-60 miles), architecturally significant (most are shaped in a large O, subtly reminding travelers of the state they are in), and, critically, well-provisioned (Starbucks and other edible restaurants reside in each.) Much thought was clearly put into their design: a TV displaying real-time weather, traffic, safety announcements, and entertaining advertisements is handily posted outside the bathrooms, giving one something to do while one waits for relatives less prompt in certain departments. Nor do truckers remain unappeased – Ohio generously provides them with showers and a dedicated lounge. Given this, it is well worth driving through Ohio for the express purpose of experiencing its rest stops.

There is a moral to this story. As self-driving cars slowly terminate the need for state spending on highway patrol and accident response teams over the next 15 years, state governments should consider investing in their rest stops. A five-star restaurant in every rest stop? Definitely. A hotel? Certainly. A holodeck? By all means. For weary travelers seeking a Mecca of culture amidst the barren swathes of land that highways must inevitably traverse, every dime invested in rest stops means ten times as much.

Finally, if this listicle about rest stops reads something like the Federalist papers, know that that is due to the fact that I spent the cross-country road trip that inspired this post listening to an audiobook biography of Alexander Hamilton, and that I may have temporarily picked up some Hamiltonian affectations in my writing style. I’d like to think that the supremely eloquent founding father would be proud to know that his writing influenced this inspired analysis of highway rest stops.

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*The word listicle is a portmanteau of the words list and article. I say potentially sleazy because every time you see a silly clickbait-y BuzzFeed headline saying something like 10 Reasons You Should Always Eat Tomatoes, it is assuredly a listicle.

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